A Call From Lou

Readers will recognize Lou from my book - he was my producer at MTV2 and is also a bit of a sugar fiend. His phone calls are always entertaining. Here, the full transcript:

Okay, so my current obsession is Baskin-Robbins Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream - first of all, because there’s lots of chunks of cookie dough, which is always a plus. There’s not random pieces like, ‘look there’s one up ahead’ – they’re all over the place.

And the vanilla ice cream, while probably extremely artificial, is so appealingly, blindingly, Clorox bleach white, it’s like a dream. It’s like eating delicious frozen butter cream. It’s just the right amount of artificial vanilla flavor. And then! There are these glorious blobs of beige and black cookie dough breaking up this pure white, it’s like a, a, a country snowfall, there’s like this pure white and then bits of dirty gravel. But you like it. You want it!

So you have this light, whipped, delicious white ice cream and then you have the cookie dough, these chunks of salty, sweet, gritty blobs of joy. Think about it: the very smooth, satiny vanilla and the salty sweet chocolate-y gritty dough. You know you want it. And then the more you eat - obviously out of the container because it tastes best out of the container - the more the snow melts, and it becomes this delicious thick, cold soup with chunky surprises, and you keep digging into the mountain like a treasure hunt to find more, but you don't have to dig far because the chunks are everywhere. There’s so much joy in that half gallon!

It says on the container that there’s only 11 grams of fat per serving, and I don’t know what happening to me that I suddenly think 11 grams in a serving is okay. Not to mention that I probably eat 18 servings. And I don’t know how many servings there are in a half gallon - my eye is trained to only see the fat grams per serving and blur everything else so I have no idea about number of servings, sugar, saturated, all of that. And you know what, I don’t want to know.
My belief is that there would be four servings in a half gallon, but it’s probably in the double digits. Anyway Ben and Jerry’s has more fat grams, like Chubby Hubby has 23, I think. It depends on the flavor.

And the only reason I got the ice cream is because I worked out really hard today at the gym so I wanted to ruin whatever progress I made by going to CVS to get a Reese’s Whipps, it’s a new candy bar that’s like a Three Musketeers except the nougat is peanut butter. I love Three Musketeers bars, too. They should make a bunch of different kinds of Three Musketeers, like maybe raspberry dark chocolate or a banana flavor. What other flavor would be good whipped? No, not caramel. I don’t like caramel. They have mint now but that's vile - like whipped nougatty mouthwash. Bleech.
Anyway, I was walking home with my Reese’s Whipp in my pocket, and in the distance, I see the welcoming florescent white and pink colors of the Dunkin’ Donuts and Baskin-Robbins combo store that’s open 24-7. So I went in there thinking – this is so ridiculous - but the last time I went in, they didn’t have any cookie dough ice cream so if I go in and they don't have it, it's not meant to be and if they do, then it is. I have no idea what that logic means.

So I go in - Whipp in my pocket - just to check inventory. I thought, ‘they probably don’t even have the cookie dough.’
And they had it, so I felt it was a sign that I should buy it. And the lid of the container was even ripped, you would never have bought, it, but I bought it anyway. I had to. It was five dollars for a half gallon, and my Korean deli charges five dollars for a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

Why I needed that half gallon in my house, I don’t know.
I thought, ‘Lou, when you get home, don’t do what you did last time, which is eat almost all of it. When you get home, enjoy the Whipp, put the ice cream in the freezer, and enjoy it another night. Eat the Whipp, then have an apple, and then 32 ounces of water or something.
So I came in, took my shoes off, and immediately opened the ice cream and began eating it. Like, I didn’t even hesitate. It was like I never even had that thought. Later I thought, ‘water, apple – what?’

So I ate probably three quarters of the container. I think my eyes were dilated at this point. And so that I wouldn’t eat the rest, I sprayed Caldrea Green Tea Patchouli Countertop Cleanser on it, which happened to be sitting on my counter.

And then, a half hour later, I ate the Whipp.

Comments

[Michael Feder]

JANCEE DUNN: Hello there! Loved your article about Liberace's cookbook- did you know there was a brand new book out, "Joy of Liberace, Retro Recipes From America's Kitschiest Kitchen" that actually shows Liberace recipes executed by the ace culinary staff of the Riviera Hotel/Casino? It's on Amazon- we think you'll love it! best, Michael Feder, iloveliberace@aol.com